Do you have a reluctant spouse? I really want to help you achieve the marriage you have always dreamed of having so let’s dive into this. Let’s take some time to examine the arena called “motivation.” Motivation comes from our subconscious mind and it is a by-product of emotion. When a person has a strong emotion of “liking” for someone or something they are motivated to move towards that person or thing. A person “in love” will be highly motivated to spend lots of time with the object of their affections. A person “in love” will be highly motivated to move closer to the person who is the object of their affections. Do you remember the movie or television show that portrayed a man in love crossing great distances to be with the woman he loved? That is powerful motivation, to take such massive action. I consider it my great passion to help people, so let’s pause a moment and highlight some key points I don’t want you to miss. Motivation is caused by emotion. Emotion takes place in the subconscious mind.
Let me stress the point that emotion takes place in the subconscious mind. It would logically follow then that emotion isn’t created in the conscious part of the mind. I hope you can see where I’m going here. If I tell my friend she has an obligation as my friend to spend more time with me, this is a plea to the conscious mind. In this scenario, my friend has very little motivation to spend time with me and my plea didn’t add any motivation. If I was real persuasive and convincing my friend may even agree with me, logically speaking. Let’s stop in this story line for a moment and evaluate what is happening. At this point my friend isn’t motivated to spend time with me, she is feeling pushed to spend time with me, her own conscious mind is also pushing her against her will (against her motivation). This sets up an internal conflict in her. Emotions of guilt are felt by her. Does internal conflict emotionally feel good? Now she is even less motivated to spend time with me because our entire interaction doesn’t feel good even though my behavior has been perfectly polite. Every time she thinks about this situation, there will be this internal tug of war between the conscious and subconscious. A self-perpetuating negative feedback loop has been created. Her conscious mind may win occasionally and she spends some time with me but the entire time her subconscious mind is giving her this nagging feeling to get away from me. Eventually she will throw her hands up in the air in a desperate sign of giving in to the subconscious mind and she calls off our friendship entirely. I’m heart-broken! What did I do wrong? I’m glad this is a fictitious story but this is really how it happens in real life.
Let’s look at a better way of motivating my friend to spend more time with me. We have learned so far that we need to forget about persuasive pleas and look to create a positive emotion instead. Resist the urge to ask them why they don’t want to spend much time with you because this will put their focus on the negative. What people focus on amplifies and multiplies. Instead, ask them what would they enthusiastically enjoy doing? What would they love to talk about? What sort of mood and tone would they really appreciate being around? What kind of environment feels good to them? They will literally tell you how to create a positive feeling in them. Once you follow thru on creating these positive emotions then the other person will be highly motivated to spend lots of time with you.
When you get this figured out the other person will desire to spend so much time with you that you will begin to feel it’s too much. Guess what, now you are the one who needs to be motivated. The good news is that you have already figured it out at this point. You will be able to coach the other person how to motivate you because you have been motivating them. I’m teaching you, the taught, you do, and then you become the teacher.
We have a great advice video about motivating a reluctant spouse. If you liked this, you will probably find that video helpful also. It is my great joy to help you with your marriage and to help you have a rich and fulfilling family life. Please take a look at the Home DVD Study Course on our website. This course has singlehandedly changed thousands of marriages! The Home DVD Study Course will teach you the emotional recipe that creates the intense feeling of romantic love in your marriage. Nobody is ever talking about a divorce when their “in love.” Nobody! And just like a recipe, It works for anyone and everyone.
Dr. Kevin Eggerth